I am a born resistor, a maker of sub-rules, a person always looking for the window of innovation and improvement in everything that I do. Even reverse psychology fails to take its toll on my innate and stubborn commitment to carve my own groove into everything that I do because I’ve been on to it since I was about 4 or 5. For people with a higher intellect, like say…um Einstein, this might be a good tactic. For a normal (?) person like me, this trait is more problematic.
It was an issue of some magnitude when I was young, affecting my personal life, my relationships, my studies and my work. Becoming more educated about choices in life and having mellowed with age, I can now admit that at least some of my innovations were definitely not improvements. My evolving approach to things has become more step-back and see what happens than the former forge forward with my personal whim strategy. The new philosophy wears much better in the real world.
I was never rude or abrasive, just inappropriately independent and not a great team player. Part of this came from a very real need to take care of myself without much help, and the rest from an inflated need to always be proving my competence in adverse environments. I think this is a common thread among people who grow up thinking they are lesser human beings, that they are entitled to less or that their station in life is predetermined by circumstance.
My parents did not teach me to feel this way on purpose. They did allow me to feel this way by allowing their own insecurities to be laid bare within the family structure. It was not their fault and this is not a blaming session, only a reflection of how a parent’s attitude of subservience and class can affect their child’s personality. To their credit, they did the very best they could to be good parents.
Security, self-worth and dignity are values that are “learned by being”. To feel secure, you must be secure. To have a sense of self, you must be assured in your personal value in this world. To have dignity, dignity must be present in your circumstance before it is planted in your mind and connected to your “self”.
Regardless of efforts that may or may not have been made to pass these values on to me, they came later in life. The good news is that the values are firmly in place now. Things like participating in a team, upholding the ideas of others without compromising self and being secure that I am equal to others and a credit to myself have become second nature. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel; I can be one of the spokes with complete comfort in my position. What a relief!
Whether you are struggling with forming values, trying to figure out what your position in life is about or just dealing with daily problems, a great place to start establishing control of your issues lies in forming good habits and a few ground rules.
There are two kinds of habits/ground rules that each of us need to form. The first of the sets are those that are universal and the second set is personal.
Universal habits are the written and unwritten daily actions that bind us in grace to the human community. I repeat: Universal habits are the written and unwritten daily actions that bind us in grace to the human community.
From the American Heritage Dictionary:
grace - NOUN:
- Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of
movement, form, or proportion.- A characteristic or quality pleasing for its
charm or refinement.- A sense of fitness or propriety.
- A disposition to be generous or helpful;
goodwill.- Mercy; clemency.
- A favor rendered by one who need not do so;
indulgence.- A temporary immunity or exemption; a
reprieve.- Graces Greek & Roman Mythology Three
sister goddesses, known in Greek mythology as Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia,
who dispense charm and beauty.- Divine love and protection bestowed freely on
people.- The state of being protected or sanctified by
the favor of God.- An excellence or power granted by God.
- A short prayer of blessing or thanksgiving said before or
after a meal.- Grace Used with His, Her, or Your as a title and
form of address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.- Music An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornanment in the music of 16th and 17th century England.
For my own purposes, I have highlighted the accepted definitions of grace that apply here. It’s all about what we do, how we do it and lastly how that makes us and others feel and think about ourselves in the world community. It’s about applying the principles of faith and fairness to every aspect of our daily lives. It’s about realizing the potential of self through practicing our values. It’s about living by the rules that are innate in us regardless of our gender, religion, sexual orientation, skin color or political views. It’s about genuine love.
The habits are up to you, as your values may differ from mine. These are the ones that I chose to focus on:
Habit #1: Love God, love others and love yourself.
Habit #2: Practice your faith, pronouncing it is not enough. Pray.
Habit #3: Practice kindness and forgiveness every day.
Habit #4: Diligently work at identifying your gifts in life, then use them in your daily life.
Habit #5: Share. Do not hoard knowledge or resources unreasonably. This does not mean don’t take care of yourself, it does mean consider others.
Habit #6: Participate as fully as you are able with family, friends, co-workers and the community at large.
Habit #7: Help at least 1 other person every day.
Habit #8: Present yourself well. Take care of your health and your appearance and arrive with a smile.
Habit #9: Be thankful.
Habit #10: Be respectful.
The rules pertain to law and define the order in our lives. As I see it, these are universal and less flexible. In any case, these are mine:
Rule #1: Follow God’s laws.
Rule #2: Follow the laws of the land.
Rule #3: To the best of your ability, encourage others to do the same.
Clearly there are other habits and rules in life, like brushing your teeth or changing your underwear, doing your homework and respecting your peers and elders. If you develop the 10 habits above and follow the 3 rules, all of the sub-habits and sub-rules are second nature. You can not lie and be respectful at the same time, you can not hate and be loving, you can not help and be spiteful, you can not share what is hidden.
No one is perfect. All of us fail consistently at upholding our values because that is the plight of being human. The will to start fresh each day is the key to feeling as satisfied as possible with your actions. Acknowledging imperfection is the first step to doing better next time.
This is a model for thought and action that helps me stay on track. Maybe it will help you, but I would much rather see you sit down and think through the steps to see what works in your own life. Thoughtful consideration of what we do is the first step to realizing our potential as individuals and our capacity for contribution to the people in our life.
Grace be with you.
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