INDEPENDENCE AND PRIDE

Independence is only a good thing as long as it supports our freedom to live a healthy life filled with friends and family. It is a mistake to believe that independence can be achieved by simply living without the assistance of others. It is also prideful and egotistical to believe that we are whole unless we are participating fully in the life that is available to us. We must be very careful when insulating our lives from interaction with others, as often it is a sign that we have hidden agendas or issues with our own lives. Conversely, a life filled with friends, acquaintances and family most often is one that is full of happiness and honesty. There are some great benefits to knowing what independence really means. I believe that the following concepts apply:

§ Independence should be exercised freely when we are faced with important choices.

§ Independence should be used in those times when we need to say no to requests that do not serve a moral and correct purpose; to sever bad relationships or to steer away from harmful situations.

§ Independence should be a state of mind that allows us to think for ourselves, disagree appropriately, and act with strength on our convictions.

§ Independence should be a process that allows us to make our own positive decisions about important choices that make sense in our own life and work with our individual environment within the laws of God and man.

§ Asserting independence is a normal sign of being an adult, and should be considered a healthy activity.

§ Individuals never become whole unless they learn to think independently, live interdependently and have the trust to be dependent when it is necessary and appropriate.

Most of us are full of Pride. It is one of the 7 deadly sins. A small amount of pride can be a good thing, but only to the extent that it motivates you to be your best self. There is a subtle line where this changes. Pride becomes a consumer of the soul when it causes you to withdraw from your support system and think that you can operate in the world independently and without moral support and love. It worms its way into your life and eats away trust and faith in the good will of others. It gives you a false sense of confidence in the truth of your own thought process and causes you to deny the value of considering alternative thought. Lastly, it leaves you alone and distraught.

I write about these things with some authority, because they are my own issues as well. Pride and stubborn independence have probably caused more suffering in my life than anything. I have been unable or unwilling to share my own demons with anyone, often including God, to the extent that it borders on self abuse. Do not believe for a moment that I am confusing my problems with anyone elses though. I am able to recognize the signs because of my own experience.

When I am in my most manic mode of thinking, I believe that I have evolved beyond the need for too much independence and that I have just the right mix of pride and self-righteousness. Dangerous thinking for sure. Frankly, it sounds like pride coming back full circle. The point is that this is very touchy business and an integral part of our psyches. These are two concepts that can work hand in hand to undermine our progress as humans of a higher order if they are not checked and rechecked. I believe that we need to take some quiet time to assess our motives once in a while and be honest with ourselves about the functionality of independence and pride in our lives.

I does not stand for Island.

Paula

The Importance of a Single Moment

It occurred to me today that some moments in our lives are completely frozen in time by the effect that they have on the rest of our lives. These are the moments that we make a decision, whether good or bad.

Good decisions have a way of fading into history very comfortably. They serve their purpose, set an accomplishment in motion and come to a satisfactory end or perpetuate an action that ensures our future. They meld with the fabric of our values and have no further need to be discussed or worried over. One of the obvious problems with this is that we tend to minimize the tremendous power of such a decision. We are expected to make good decisions and immediate rewards are a rare instance.

Bad decisions are frozen indelibly on the human heart. The difference is that they have a malicious afterlife that stymies our ability to move forward toward health and well being. They act like a living fungus on our conscience and eat away at self worth like voracious monsters. Worst of all, they often set a precedent for future decisions, perpetuating the loop of personal disappointment, despair and damaged relationships. The consequences are enormous and it takes extraordinary courage and personal fortitude to change directions once a really bad decision is made.

Examples of good and bad decisions are not necessary to make my point. There is not a man or woman living on earth without some experience with both. To explore the problem further, all we need to do is focus our attention on our own life, assess our personal situation and look back to those frozen moments that formed the basis of our current relationship with self and others. This can be a heart wrenching activity, but there are both immediate and long term rewards for sitting still for a moment and making no decision except to do better one moment at a time. One part of this process is to take responsibility for your past decisions and stop assigning blame to other persons or situations. We need to forgive ourselves for bad decisions in the past, repair what we are able to repair as a foundation for the future, be brave through the consequences and make an absolute conviction to give serious thought and consideration to situations in the future that require us to make lasting choices.

Every bad thing that happens to a person in their life is not their fault. Some things are. Every good thing is not luck. Many are rewards that are accumulated by practicing the universal values of life such as truth and honor. All bad things are not tied to momentous decisions. Most are. All good things do not come from being a perfect person with a pristine conscience. In fact, only Jesus had this on his side.

Be careful about selling yourself short in the world, because there is unyielding and mysterious power in self healing. People can and do get better, stronger, healthier, smarter, happier, more faithful and more able to love and receive love every single day. They do this in spite of poor circumstance, poverty and the ignorant undermining of nay-Sayers.

I believe that the spirit of the human condition is perpetually lifted from the depths of hell by every single small effort that results in a good decision. I believe that we each have a responsibility on this earth to improve our life and the lives of those around us by being true to our values in the actions we take. I also believe that we would be less than human if we did not fail over and over at this ominous task. That is why it is called experience; we must experiencee both to know the difference between success and failure.

Call on your experience when you are in trouble. Use it like a well worn reference, because it is the best guide you will ever have for what is right for you. Pray for guidance to interpret your experience in a way that will free you from the burden of bad decision making and then take conscious actions to ensure a better tomorrow. If you slip and fall, excuse yourself, but do not fall into the abyss. Stop, breathe and call up your courage to climb back up to the top of the hill.

One more thought that strikes me as important in this process is asking for and calling on the experience of others when you are in need. Humility is not an easy position for most people, but it is the best possible posture when we are frozen in a cycle of bad thinking. It may be that all we need is a good listener to bounce around ideas or situations, but more often we are looking for a person who will be honest with us without judging. Support is a tall order, but can be found. Look into your heart for that one person and if there is no one on earth that you can trust, remember that Christ died so that we would be saved from our sins and have everlasting life. He always listens to your pleas and loves you more than He loved his own life.

I truly try to find the good in every situation. The thoughts above come not only from my heart, but from a good deal of experience with both the good and bad things in life. I made decisions many years ago that I am still in the process of repairing. I also made a few that have been the glory and the saving of my life. My husband and each of my children are among those good decisions and I love them under all conditions. I lived miraculously past the time when I made the poorest choices in my life and came through the worst of them with greater compassion and understanding for the trials of others.

Everyone deserves the chance to wipe the slate clean and start over, no matter how many tries it takes to get it right. Next time, count to 10 before you take action. While you are at it, make a list of the good things you accomplished in your life so far. If the list seems short, ask the people who really know you to make a list for you. The results are usually eye opening accounts about contributions you were unaware of making to the lives of others.

You will find balance and peace if you look for it hard enough.

 

THE VALUE OF HUGS

Today when I opened up my daily devotional email, I found the following quote. We would all do well to be reminded of the simple truth here. The first thing in life that gives us comfort and makes us feel accepted and loved is touch, it is also what sustains us in our relationships throughout life and is the one thing we need the most from others as we pass away. Give plenty of hugs every chance you get and accept the hugs that others give to you for the genuine care and concern that they are meant to convey. There's plenty of love to go around, we just need to fan it a little to keep it moving.

"Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. And always remember: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." “What Takes Our Breath Away,” was written by Dr. Moorehead, former pastor of Overlake Christian Church in Redmond, Washington, and published in his book “Words Aptly Spoken.”

There is also a poinant letter below written by Erma Bombeck when she found out that she had cancer and was dying. She talks about how different she would do things if she had only known before.

In memory of Erma Bombeck, who lost her fight with cancer.

If I Had My Life to Live Over by Irma Bombeck

I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculped like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realising that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" and more "I'm sorry's"
. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . . look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back.

There are many examples of regret at the moment we realize that our journey is coming to an end on earth. Parents reaching out to their children to right wrongs, both parents and children trying to make up in moments what couldn't be achieved in years. To achieve a fullfilling and peace filled life, we need desparately to think "in the moment" about the little things that can be done every day to nurture our relationships, whether it's family, friends or spouses. Write the note that you've been intending to send to that old friend, hug your husband or wife every chance you get, talk to your children every moment that they will tolerate you, go for that walk you plan every day but somehow never find the time for, breathe, allow yourself forgivness for those things you are unable to do and do all of the things you are able to keep your life full NOW. I offer two more quotes...that hit the nail on the head squarely.

Defer not till tomorrow to be wise, tomorrow's sun to thee may never rise.
William Congreve (1670 - 1729)

One of the most appalling comments on our present way of life is that half of all the beds in our hospitals are reserved for patients with nervous and mental troubles, patients who have collapsed under the crushing burden of accumulated yesterdays and fearful tomorrows. Yet a vast majority of those people would be walking the streets today, leading happy, useful lives, if they had only heeded the words of Jesus: "Have no anxiety about the morrow"; or the words of Sir William Osler; "Live in day-tight compartments".
Dale Carnegie

To sum up my thoughts on this subject, today is the most important day in your life. Use it for something you like, let yourself love and remember that yesterday is only short term history and tomorrow should be planned for, but not expected with certainty. Reach out today for whatever you need and give whatever you have to give.You will never regret the currency that flows freely from your heart.

God bless.
Paula

WHAT IS FAIR?

I was thinking about the subject of fairness recently. You know, how people are always saying that something is unfair or that life is unfair. Its an interesting subject actually, because fairness is another of those completely subjective ideas. What is fair depends on who is judging fairness. How to be fair is a bit of a conundrum, as the decision about the degree of fairness will always depend on the personal experience of the judge, and that experience will most likely be entirely different than that of other persons or things affected by their judgment.

Theoretically, you can live your life thinking you are being fair to others because you are acting in a way that is fair to yourself, but completely excluding their life experience before you take action or make judgments about them. Conversely, if you think someone else is being unfair to you, or you have an unfair situation, it may be that fairness by your standards has not even been considered by your judge.

Think of how many times you have heard someone moan... Life is not fair.God is not fair.I wasn't treated fairly. Its not fair that I have this affliction and on, and on. Whining? Maybe it is, but not necessarily.

Of course, there are situations that are truly unfair on a human level; murder, mental illness and needless hunger, rape, child pornography, slavery and prejudice, war, except in defense. These are things that humans do to other humans without the faintest regard for the basic rights and needs of an individual. They are crimes of the first order. Whenever I think that something in my life is unfair, I try to reflect on the people who are being affected by these astoundingly unfair issues through no fault of their own.

I think that our problem with the general concept of fairness may be that we are usually focusing on things that are so small in the scope of the human condition, that fairness is diluted and in some cases meaningless. I believe that God gave us larger gifts. To name a few, nature, the galaxies, the oceans and the skies, which are the foundations of our earthly home. Never forget His most precious gift, Jesus Christ.

“For God so loved the world He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should have everlasting life.”

- John 3:16

By any believers estimation these are more than fair gifts even if they were the only gifts we ever received.

When nature behaves badly and invades our bodies with disease, or throws up a tsunami from the depths of the ocean, fairness has nothing to do with it. It is a random act of nature among thousands that happen every day, just larger in impact. There are many thousands of other wonderful, magnificent events in nature for every single one gone awry.

So, the fairness we speak of so often is a micro-issue in the scope of the human condition. This does not diminish the tragedy or heartache of such events, it only takes the issue of fairness away from how we as humans deal with the aftermath. By eliminating the issue of whether it is fair, we can focus on the heart of recovery, which is to administer compassion, sooth our wounds with love, provide resources for the survivors, then begin again, secure in the love of God.

In spite of this, we must still take great care in our decisions about what is fair for us and especially what is fair for others. Although we are a small part of the universe, we are held responsible and able to manage our part with a view of consideration for our room mates, who are the rest of humanity. The first ingredient for fairness is to really care about something or someone besides yourself. The second is to consider those persons or things in every decision you make. The third is to make a difference by taking actions that are kind and that reflect how you would want and expect to be treated in the same situation.

Lastly, I believe we should try to avoid assigning blame when we speak of fairness. Blame is a judgement also.It offers up no solution to the problem and exacerbates the original issue by creating yet another judgement of fairness.Deal directly with the issue at hand, create a solution that will give the most peace humanly possible to your heart and mind, forgive when forgiveness is needed and move on to the future. Leave history in the past where it belongs.

If you truly have an issue where you have assigned blame that can not be forgiven by you (as many of us do), do not let it consume your life. Know that it exists, be proactive in how you intend to deal with the person in the future, apply your conviction to the decision and take it out of your stress file. If the relationship has deep importance to you, pray about it, give the issue some space and time then revisit forgiveness and reconciliation. Set boundries and rules for renewal, including a time for building trust and stick to them. Sometimes a relationship that has undergone this kind of scrutiny will prove to be one of your strongest. However, if all of these efforts fail, just let it go. You have not failed, the relationship is just not viable. As a last step in this process, allow yourself the peace you so richly deserve.

You are responsible for your own life once you become an adult. Fairness is your call. Ask God to help you with that.